(For the censored version, click here.)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
(Ever wonder where all of that UNICEF money goes? Check out this funny bit from Simon Rich's recent New Yorker article "The Wisdom of Children".)
'A Day at UNICEF Headquarters, as I Imagined It in Third Grade'
(UNICEF sits on a throne. He is wearing a cape and holding a sceptre. A servant enters, on his knees.)
UNICEF: Halloween is fast approaching! Have the third graders been given their little orange boxes?
SERVANT: Yes, your majesty!
UNICEF: Perfect. Did you tell them what the money was for?
SERVANT: No, sir, of course not! We just gave them the boxes and told them to collect for UNICEF. We said it was for “a good cause,” but we didn’t get any more specific than that.
UNICEF: Ha ha ha! Those fools! Soon I will have all the money in the world. For I am UNICEF, evil king of Halloween!
SERVANT: Sir . . . don’t you think you’ve stolen enough from the children? Maybe you should let them keep the money this year.
UNICEF: Never! The children shall toil forever to serve my greed!
(He tears open a little orange box full of coins and rubs them all over his fat stomach.)
UNICEF: Yes! Oh, yes!
SERVANT: Wait! Your majesty! Look at this! Our records indicate that there’s a kid out there—Simon—who’s planning to keep his UNICEF money this year.
UNICEF: What?! But what about my evil plans? I was going to give that money to the Russians so they could build a bomb!
SERVANT: (aside) I guess there’s still one hero left in this world.
(He runs out of the castle, sobbing.)
SERVANT: Thank God Simon is keeping his UNICEF money.
SECOND SERVANT: Yes, it’s good that he’s keeping the money.
THIRD SERVANT: I agree. Simon is doing a good thing by keeping the money from the UNICEF box.
SERVANT: Then we’re all in agreement. Simon should keep the money.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
How could I not know about this holiday? During Purim
(which ends today), people dress up in costume and give out inexpensive treats to their friends. And the best part? "One of the most well-known (and beloved) aspects of the Purim festive meal is that each adult participant is obliged to become so drunk that he or she cannot distinguish between the phrases, 'Cursed be Haman' and 'Blessed be Mordecai'." Sign me up!
This is a great idea! A toaster that burns a skull & crossbones into your toast? Why didn't I think of that?
For everyone out there who doesn't feel like paying $44 for a novelty toaster, here's a simple and inexpensive way to get the same effect. Using an X-acto knife, cut your desired image out of aluminum foil. Then, wrap a piece of bread in the foil (with the exposed image facing up). Next, toast as usual - this should "toast" the chosen image onto the bread while leaving the rest of the bread untoasted. Once it has cooled, remove the foil and toast the bread once again. The already toasted section will continue to get darker while the rest of the bread ends up appropriately toasted.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
My new friend DeadSpider has done it again! This time, she has posted instructions for creating an entire witch's kitchen for your Halloween display. You can start with the tutorial on building ancient-looking shelves out of cardboard and inexpensive metal shelving. (And don't overlook the faux-wood painting instructions. They are among the best I've seen). Next, learn how to bottle hobgoblin brains, jellyfish stingers, dragon embryos and other ingredients that every self-respecting witch should have on hand.
Here's a clever home project... To better compliment his son's samurai costume, this guy turn an Incredible Hulk candy bucket into an Oni (Japanese demon) using some red paint and a cheap Viking helmet. The big green guy never looked so good.
Here's another great site for all you fans of crocheting and knitting. Monster Crochet provides instruction for creating everything from wearable spiderwebs, scarves made of bones, severed finger doodads and my personal favorite, a Hitchcock inspired ensemble that makes it look like you're getting attacked by a flock of birds.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
In keeping with today's gross candy theme, here are a few more spooky sweets that the folks at Candy Addict have tracked down:
Barf Bags (Gummy candy that looks like vomit)
Gummy Flesh Fries (Bloody dismembered fingers)
Candy Blood Bags (Watermelon-flavored liquid candy)
Bug Candy (twist off the bug's head and drink the blood)
Candy with real bugs (Scorpions, worms, crickets and ants embedded in candy)
Deadly Virus Candy (Like "Nerds" but with a twist)
And reviews of 31 other Halloween-themed candies that were big in '06.
I wish I'd known about this on Valentine's Day. I'm sure my wife would have really loved to receive a Gummy Heart. And that poem? "My love is pure. My love is true. You can have my heart and eat it too." Who wouldn't melt when reading that?
It seems as though I spoke too soon. A week ago, in my post about gross candy I mentioned my wish that they would someday produce "gummy roadkill". Well, Brian at Candy Addict wrote to let me know that the product has already come and gone. Produced by Trolli (a subsidiary of Kraft), "Gummy Candy Roadkill" consisted of three animals; a snake, a chicken and a squirrel, each with a tire track down the middle. Unfortunately, production was halted when animal rights groups argued it "fosters cruelty toward animals."
Friday, February 16, 2007
In keeping with today's
"crafty" theme, I now present a magnificent pair of felted eyeball earrings.
They come in either blue or green. The artist behind them also produces an eyeball necklace as well as various anatomical heart items.
You know how sometimes you see an item, and your first thought is "I must have that!"? Well, this crocheted
"eyeball w/ optic nerve" thing is one of those "must haves" for me. I don't really know what I would do with it, I don't know what it's for, and yet I must have it in my life.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
If you've ever wanted information on how to knit something with a skull graphic, Dominitrix can help you out. Their site includes patterns and instructions for knitting skull afghans, sweaters, scarves, wristbands and bags. My personal favorite? This tank top with an "embossed" skull.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Though it doesn't carry the Haunted Mansion's "Demon" wallpaper, Timorous Beasties can provide you with rolls of some pretty creepy wall-coverings. My favorite is this iguana wallpaper.
Also be sure to check out their "Devil Damask" fabric. It's subtle enough that most people wont notice Satan peeking out through the lace, but still noticible enough that all your haunt friends will envy you.
After spending months creating original, eye-popping decorations for your front yard, doesn't it seem strange to hand out the same boring Snicker's Bars and Blow-Pops as your neighbors?
Here's an alternative... This site reviews and provides links to some of the grossest candy around. There are white chocolate maggots, candy toilets, and bloody eyeball lollipops. If only someone would start selling gummy roadkill. Then all of my wildest Halloween dreams really would have come true.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Here's a cool new site that was brought to my attention by Kurt at Grim Visions.
I'm really impressed with the "winged demons" this woman was able to create out of chicken wire, masking tape and paper-mache. I can't wait to see more of her stuff.
When the folks at www.theyrecoming.com aren't busy reviewing horror movies, they bake some of the goriest cakes you'll find anywhere. I'm particularly fond of this highly detailed "Killer Rat" cake. Everything from the bones in the dismembered arm to the hair on the rats is entirely edible and delicious. (The bones are made of candy and filled with lemon curd "marrow". The rat hair was created out of spun sugar.)
Be sure to also check out their "Zombie Cake" and "Thorax Cake". Both look amazing.
Sorry it's been so long since my last update. I've been shooting a pilot in Los Angeles for the past two weeks. It was a lot of fun, but the hours were insane and I didn't have any spare time to think about Halloween.
That's all done now though, so I'm ready to start blogging again.
Much thanks to all those who e-mailed me to make sure that everything was ok in my life. I appreciate your concern.
(The above photo was taken by Phillip Toledano. You can check out some more of his work here.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Here is an interesting site. This artist renders the skeletal systems of iconic cartoon characters to see what they might resemble
"if one truly had eye sockets half the size of its head, or fingerless-hands, or feet comprising 60% of its body mass."
I think just about every Halloween enthusiast can identify with the comic strip shown here. "Lio is about a little boy with a deceptively sweet exterior and the dark, surreal world that that he nonchalantly inhabits." He's "a curious young boy with an imagination that's unleashed by bumps in the night and things hiding under the bed."
Click here for more fun with Lio.
Here is a great gallery of vintage Halloween costumes. The collection is guaranteed to include characters from shows that haven't crossed you mind in 20 years.
Lancelot Link, Circus Boy, Bigfoot (from "Bigfoot & Wildboy"), Easy Reader (from "The Electric Company"), Nitro (from "American Gladiators").When's the last time you thought about them?
My favorite thing about many of these vintage costumes is this...
For every "Indiana Jones" costume where the shirt is designed to look like Indy's clothing, there are half a dozen "Joanie Loves Chachi" types, where the costume consists of a graphic identifying the program or person. (Like anyone could look at that mask and not think of Scott Baio.)
Here is a link to some of the worst retro Halloween costumes the aforementioned gallery has to offer.
Technological advances have allowed us to cheaply manufacture many impressive Halloween items. Unfortunately, the graphic quality of these store-bought items has diminished over time. Click here for a great article about those amazing Halloween graphics of yesteryear.
Posted by "Bones" at 10:09 AM
Saturday, January 27, 2007
As further proof that there are no more original ideas, allow me to present
"Whack-a-ghoul" #1 and "Whack-a-ghoul" #2.
(Under normal cicumstances, I might feel that reviewing "ghoul whacking games" is beneath me. Tonight though, you are in luck. Here's my 23 word review --> "Though #2 has superior graphics, I prefer #1 because it allows you to swing a shovel at their ghoulish little heads.")
Trick-or-treaters often encounter scary sights and scary sounds, but scary smells?
Sinister Scents produces a wide variety of spooky scents (and the special devices that spread the smells) that will frighten your TOTs on a whole new sensory level.
After perusing their list, I find that "Burnt flesh" and "Decay" do sound enticing, but I'm really eager to check out "Haunted House".
Thursday, January 25, 2007
For those of you who would like to surround yourself with macabre smells all year long, give Dementer Fragrance a try. Their line of unusually scented lotions, colognes, room sprays, and soaps come in "Bonfire", "Dirt", "Earthworm", "Funeral Home", and "Poison Ivy" (just to name a few.)
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
If you've ever wanted a house full of casket-shaped furniture, I have just the place for you. This company produces casket-shaped beds, couches, bookcases, coffee tables, phonebooths, entertainment centers, motorcycle trailers, and much much more. And the best part? When death comes knocking at your door, each and every one of these items can be converted into a useable casket. (And really, who doesn't dream of someday being buried in their coffee table?)
Also be sure to check out their line of casket-shaped pool tables, cigar boxes and wine holders.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Here's a perfect book to leave out on your coffee-table during the Halloween season. Also be sure to check out "Fancy Coffins" by the same author.
These books have received horrible reviews. Purchase them for their kitsch value, not for learning how to build coffins.